


One for the Ages

by MewMckenna



Series: MewMckenna's Songfics [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Character Death, F/M, I listened to this song at least 40 times in a row help, Movie: Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, One Shot, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Reylo - Freeform, Sad, Song: Death By A Thousand Cuts (Taylor Swift), Songfic, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, taylor made me do it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:01:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25603255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MewMckenna/pseuds/MewMckenna
Summary: After the events of The Rise of Skywalker Rey returns back to the Resistance base without Ben. As she deals with the loss of the other half of the dyad, she struggles to open up to her friends and to move on after her loss. This fic follows Rey on both the metaphorical and literally journey she takes after Ben's death.(Inspired by Taylor Swift's "Death by a Thousand Cuts")
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: MewMckenna's Songfics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1855711
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	One for the Ages

**Author's Note:**

> I have been writing this fic since probably before quarantine even started but the release of Taylor Swift's folklore album has inspired me, so I decided to try my hand at writing again. This is my first Star Wars fic and I did not have a beta so have mercy on me. I highly recommend listening to the song while reading but I did include the lyrics in the story. It's not a perfect fit but it reminded me a lot of how I imagine Rey would feel after losing Ben. 
> 
> I'll probably write more fics based off of Taylor Swift songs (I have been eyeing hoax ever since it came out) so subscribe to the series if you'd like. Or don't. I promise you won't hurt my feelings because I am most surely not a writer and I wrote this purely for myself, so it could very well be absolutely atrocious. On that note, enjoy the story and if you find any errors, don't hesitate to comment! Thanks!

“Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts  
Flashbacks waking me up  
I get drunk, but it's not enough  
'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby  
I look through the windows of this love  
Even though we boarded them up  
Chandelier still flickering here  
'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not  
It's death by a thousand cuts”

When she returned from Exegol, Rey was numb. She left the planet with only two lightsabers and a black sweater with a hole in the middle that she had stashed under the seat in Luke’s X-Wing. She was forced to leave the dreadful place without the thing she wanted most. Him. So when Rey returned to Ajan Kloss she hugged her friends and stood quietly with them as the celebrations lasted long into the night. She was asked if she was okay; she said yes. When Finn asked her if she wanted a drink she also said yes. As she knocked back the Corellian whiskey she tried not to think of the words of an enemy turned ally turned… something more, telling her about her parents selling her for drinking money. Before she went to sleep she retrieved the sweater from Luke’s X-wing and slipped it over her head.  
Rey woke the next morning on the Falcon in one of the crew bunks and for a moment she forgot about the events of the previous day but then the soul-crushing emptiness returned and she could no longer forget. She got up and changed clothes, carefully stowing the sweater with the Jedi texts. Both were precious to her. Rey went about her day, working with Poe and Finn on plans for their new vision for the Resistance and what her place would be in it. Her hangover barely affected her. It was nothing compared to the pain in her chest where he used to be. Still, she carried on and it was only when she was finally back alone on the Falcon that she allowed tears to flow from her eyes once again. After a few hours of staring at the wall, aching for sleep, Rey left her bunk and went to find the whiskey again.  
The next morning was much the same, but she didn’t make it out of the ship before she had to hide in the refresher and let the tears fall. Finn noticed her sullen state that day, how the bags had not disappeared under her eyes but had gotten bigger. He didn’t say anything before, having owed it to exhaustion from her fight, but he did ask her if she was okay again that day. She said yes and tried to smile for him. He wasn’t convinced. 

"You said it was a great love  
One for the ages  
But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?"

Rey tried not to dwell in the events of Exegol during the day. It was not difficult as there were plenty of distractions and much work to do on tracking down the last of the First Order, (or, she supposed, the Final Order), but nights did not get easier. She stopped drinking the whiskey. Rey knew what had happened to her parents, or at least she remembered what he had said about them and it hurt her to think of what she could become.  
So she laid in her bed all night, barely even dozing, thinking about what could have been. She thought back to the conversation they had over their bond after he had saved her. “Ben, I-“ she had said.  
“I know,” he had answered.  
She didn’t even get to complete her thought, he had already beaten her to it. The person who knew her best, her other half, the one who had shared her soul, was gone. She had thought that since he had turned back to the light that the Force would allow them to be happy perhaps, he loved her, or at least she loved him. He had never said it out loud or over the bond, he didn’t get the chance to, but that had to count for something, right?  
And yet he was gone and she was left alone again, just like she had been left on Jakku some fifteen years prior. It didn’t seem fair, but Rey had never thought of life as fair. She did always have hope though, but after what happened to him, to them, hope alluded her. She was left to live her life, but without him, she wasn’t living at all. Her story was over, and yet she lived on and he did not. 

"'Cause saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts  
Flashbacks waking me up  
I get drunk, but it's not enough  
'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby  
I look through the windows of this love  
Even though we boarded them up  
Chandelier still flickering here  
'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not  
It's death by a thousand cuts"

Rey managed to keep up her facade for almost two standard months after the battle. Almost two months since she lost him. The day she finally broke down in front of Finn, he wasn’t surprised that she had been attempting to hide her pain. He was, however, surprised at the source of her anguish.  
Finn had assumed she was upset over the death of Leia. She was Rey’s mentor after all, and the two had had a bond that no one else could hope to have with either of them due to their mutual connection to the Force. But no, it apparently wasn’t about Leia at all, or at least not directly. As Rey broke down in a storage closet in a seldom-used corridor in the new Resistance base, she revealed something that Finn never could have imagined. In fact, when she first told Finn the truth about him, Finn didn’t believe her. It wasn’t until she finished her story almost an hour later that her friend realized she was telling the truth.  
After that Rey didn’t try to hide as much, at least with her friends. She let them see her on her bad days and told them when the pain was too much for her. Rose held her as she cried. Finn brought her tea. They tried not to show it, but they were worried about Rey.  
Rey finally took a few days off after several months of Rose and Finn begging her to take a week or so to rest. Rey did plan on resting while she was away, but she also had some other plans. Rey ended up in Hanna City on Chandrila for a while before moving on to the sea. It was the first time Rey had seen an ocean. It was the same ocean that he used to visit with his parents. Rey went alone. 

"My heart, my hips, my body, my love  
Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch  
Gave up on me like I was a bad drug  
Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club  
Our songs, our films, united, we stand  
Our country, guess it was a lawless land  
Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand  
Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans  
My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust  
Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up"

Rey made a point to go to the places where she knew he had been. She hoped to find bits of him in those places, but she also tried to find the parts of herself that died with him. She went to Takodana, to the place where she first saw him. Rey talked to Maz while she was there too. The new cantina was coming along nicely.  
She went to Crait. Rey had not actually seen him there in the flesh, but the number of places where they had been together that still existed was small, so to Crait she went. It was cold on the planet; she hadn’t exactly noticed last time because of all the action, but she felt the cold was fitting. The outside might as well match the inside.  
Finally, she went to Luke's Jedi temple. When she arrived at the temple there was hardly anything but scorched ruins left, and even those were beginning to be covered by the jungle as it took back the landscape. The destruction seemed fitting. Rey expected the area to have an overwhelming amount of dark energy, but it didn’t. Apparently, after almost a decade the Force was beginning to heal; perhaps she could too.  
Rey returned to the Resistance base determined to help the cause. Leia, Han, Luke, and everyone else who had died did not do so for her to give up on their goals. So she threw herself into her work. The new government wasn’t going to build itself and Rey had plenty to do. She could fill her days but at night her bed felt empty and cold. Every night she still slipped on the black sweater before crawling into her bunk, but even the wool wasn’t enough to warm her. 

"Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough  
But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts"

Sometimes Rey could forget her past, even if it was only momentarily. Other days it was all she could do to get out of bed and eat. It was on one of these days that Rey began to contemplate the events of Exegol. Perhaps if Rey had been better she could have prevented what had happened to him. If only she had been stronger or smarter or something she might have been able to save him. But she hadn’t been. He was gone for good and there was nothing she could do.  
In the end, it was he who had been brave enough and strong enough to sacrifice everything for her. If she had to live on without him, Rey decided, she would do her best to live. Even if she never really got over it she was determined to live a full life. Not for herself, though, it was for him. For Ben.


End file.
